I have made an earth-shattering discovery! The oldest known document concerning the life of Jesus has been found!!!

The Gospel According to Frank!!!!!

I was gonna notify the Vatican, CNN, the U.N., et al., but I decided to post the relevant information here at Parables instead. Figured the increased traffic would be pretty cool.

So here’s how it all went down.

I was out back digging in the garden (I do that sometimes, for no good reason). About 4 feet down, my shovel struck something (it does that sometimes). It was what appeared, at first sight, to be an ancient scroll. So I went into my office and got my handy InstaCarbon Dater (it was an impulse buy; never thought it’d come in so handy). Sure enough, the LCD screen read “55 – 57 A.D.”

I tried to unpack the scroll but it shattered into pieces. I should have figured. So I spent the rest of the afternoon scotch taping it back together. Pretty dull work.

I’m not entirely fluent in ancient languages (and the scroll was certainly written in one of those), so I called over a buddy of mine. He had also worked on the recently-discovered Jesus ossuary, so you know this guy’s credible.

He started translating it, and to both our shock and surprise, it turned out to be a heretofore lost gospel written by a heretofore unknown disciple of Jesus named Frank. Apparently, Frank and Mark weren't always on the best of terms, so there may have been some politics involved...but I'm not here to speculate.

I know, I know...how did a first-century Middle Eastern document end up burried in my backyard in SoCal? I asked my ossuary buddy the same thing. He gave me an interesting scenario, which sounded plausible, but it escapes me at the moment. But, again, what with his credentials....

My buddy and I haven't translated the entire gospel yet. Like I said, it's pretty fragile. But the parts we have translated are remarkably similar to the synoptic gospels, but with a few striking twists that shed new light on what Jesus' message actually was. As it turns out, a lot of the theological insights made by those within the mainstream Protestant, Evangelical tradition over the last century or so were supernaturally right on target! I mean, some really, really eye-opening stuff!

Like I said, my buddy and I are still working on it, but over the next few days/weeks I'll be posting some of the truly remarkable sections. Here's the first, the actual text of the Great Commission:

But the eleven disciples proceeded to Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had designated. And when they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some were doubtful. So Jesus immediately zapped the doubtful ones to hell. And He spoke to the rest, saying, "All authority in heaven and on earth will be given to Me; not just yet, but when I come again (and you'll know when that happens, because people will suddenly start to disappear; hopefully, you'll be one of them). Until then, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to never curse, go to church every Sunday, campaign to deny basic civil rights to anyone who doesn't act like the kind of person who goes to that church, and a few other gems that I'll instruct you on along the way, which you will immediately recognize as coming from me because they'll be the sort of things that look a lot like the prevailing conservative morality of the time; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Next up, the real Parable of the Prodigal Son.

Grace and Peace,
Raffi